Michele Weiss, LMFT

Individual, Couple and Family Therapist

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    • Infertility and Couples: A Relational Solution
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Invisible Losses: When the grief of infertility, pregnancy loss and unexpected genetic diagnosis stays in the shadows

December 29, 2015 By Michele Weiss

While our responses to loss have common features, not all loss is the same nor is all loss recognized in the same way.  For those who struggle with infertility, pregnancy loss, and the unexpected results of genetic testing, grief is layered and complex. It is often unseen or marginalized by others, making the grieving process all the more difficult.

The disappointments caused by these losses are often overlooked– people do not see other hidden pain that lies beneath. Few people recognize the full impact of the sadness that the infertile couple is going through. The loss of a hoped-for future is one of the complex layers felt by the couple experiencing infertility. It can be very difficult to allow oneself to grieve over something that has not come into full existence.  The dream of having a life with children may need to shift, or even be shattered, by infertility.

Couples who have gone through a pregnancy loss or the unexpected results of genetic testing also suffer the loss of dreams. Every couple has a vision of their baby and the life that they are going to have with him or her. And when that is lost, the pain is crushing, while the loss is often mourned in silence.  Grief then turns invisible, unacknowledged even by well-meaning others who respond with such comments as “you can have another” or “it’s not your fault.” Or in such cases as multiples where one twin is lost, people might attempt to console with,  “at least you have one baby.”

The number of these experiences is not small. Of course, even if it was, sufferings that are rare are harrowing or isolating in their own ways. Still, most of the invisible losses we have in mind here are common. To take just one type of loss, today as many as 20% of clinically diagnosed pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Despite this high number, these experiences are not widely shared or talked about. Even in the contemporary world of social media, life event announcements and updates tend not to extend to these kinds of hardships.

What does this mean for people who experience invisible losses and are suffering in silence? We need to remember that these couples carry the heartache of days, months and sometimes years of cumulative loss. They are mourning– over and over.  It is our task, as therapists, to witness and help them express the roller coaster of emotions that they are experiencing. Our patients need to feel their way through the losses, and over time, fold them into their lives–finding a “new normal” and creating an expanded life narrative.

We need to ask ourselves, how comfortable are we giving a name, a story, and a voice to their pain?  Through sharing their heartache with us, with their partners, and with trusted loved ones, these couples eventually heal and move forward with a “new normal” in place.

When loss is brought out of invisibility and silence, couples can live their lives out of the shadows feeling loved, accepted and supported by those around them. While the human lens toward the world is forever reshaped by loss, the experience of joy can be recovered and even increased. It is through their stories- by honoring their losses- life can once again hold meaning and wholeness.

–A modified version of this article was submitted by Michele L. Weiss, LMFT, and Vanessa R. Bradden, LMFT, to The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT).  Click on the link below for that version.

AAMFT article

 

 

 

Filed Under: AAMFT, American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, Chicago Illinois, Couples Therapy, Genetic diagnosis, grief, Infertility loss, loss, Miscarriage Tagged With: AAMFT, American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, genetic diagnosis in pregnancy, grief, Infertility loss, loss, pregnancy loss

Infertility and Couples: A Relational Solution

December 14, 2015 By Michele Weiss

There are many vows that partners say to each other with “I do.” Some are spoken, others are unspoken. With the promise to love and cherish comes other promises such as having three children or raising your kids differently than your parents raised you.  There may be the promise of having your first child by age 30. Or the promise of giving that child a sibling 2 years later. There’s the shared vision of family that you create together in passing comments and lifelong wishes.

When the spoken and unspoken vows of family building do not happen according to plan, couples can find themselves overwhelmed, disconnected and feeling lost. There can be years of trying to conceive without success, multiple miscarriages or secondary infertility (in which couples have a child or children but encounter difficulty conceiving siblings).  Infertility takes on different shapes and forms. For many couples, it can be a disconnecting and heartbreaking experience.

When couples walk through my office door, they bring in phantoms of unfulfilled promises made to each other. They had shared visions and dreams. They had timelines and plans. Many of their friends and family members seem to be moving forward with their lives, and they feel frozen in time or even left behind.

Couple’s therapy is so powerful because it uses the relationship as a solution. We explore and use the relationship as a refuge. As stable ground. As a source of joy and healing.

Now what? How do you build your family while still feeling close and connected to your partner?  Here are some tips:

Italian or Chinese food?

I know it is a tall order amidst doctor appointments and busy careers to ask you to make time for a date night. But, it is even more important now than ever to find ways to connect with your partner. Go to your favorite restaurant. Buy tickets to that Loenardo DiCaprio movie you both have wanted to see. Some couples use date nights as an opportunity to update each other about where they are in the infertility process and to discuss next steps. Other couples draw a boundary around their date nights and declare that time together “infertility free”. Whatever your love language, plan a date night.

Find the joy!

Being on the clock of infertility treatments can suck the vitality out of any relationship. I know, it seems easier in the moment to just yell at your husband for leaving his socks on the floor (again!) or to be critical of your wife about burning dinner. But, because infertility is fundamentally a relational issue, you both need each other to get through this. Bring home flowers for your wife. Give your husband a hug just because. Cuddle in bed. It sounds simple. Yet, you also know how easy it is to push marital pleasure aside when stress and anxiety loom large. Try it.

Chocolate and a movie, anyone?

There are a lot of losses to deal with on the emotional roller coaster of family building. Many couples find it useful to have rituals that help them grieve the losses together. There are many creative ways to do this. Some couples plant a garden. Other couples plan a weekend away to veg out and allow themselves time and space to grieve and re-group. Marking the losses along the way can be painful, but creating meaningful rituals can also help couples mourn their losses and move forward.

‘N-Sync

Probably the most common complaint that I hear is that one partner “doesn’t understand” or “is distant”while the other partner is carrying the load. It can be difficult when partners have different coping strategies (i.e., she gets more worried while he gets more silent). It is important to “turn toward” each other. Be curious how your partner is doing and feeling. Don’t assume that just because your partner is coping differently than you, that he/she doesn’t care. Reach out to your partner and sync up.

Make new promises

Couples struggle to reconcile vows made at the altar with a plan that isn’t going according to plan. So, make some new promises. Expand your vision of what “family” looks like. Update your visions and dreams. It may take some work, some tears and some couple’s therapy. Plan for a future that binds you just as tightly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Chicago Illinois, coping with infertility, Couples and infertility, Couples Therapy, grief and infertility, Infertility and couples, Infertility loss, intimacy and infertility, loss and infertility, marriage therapy, pregnancy loss, rituals and infertility Tagged With: coping with infertility, couples and infertility, couples therapy, grief and infertility, infertility and couples, intimacy and infertility, loss and infertility, marriage therapy, pregnancy loss

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Invisible Losses: When the grief of infertility, pregnancy loss and unexpected genetic diagnosis stays in the shadows

Infertility and Couples: A Relational Solution

“This is how I’m breaking my silence about my pregnancy loss” on Kveller.com

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